Vulgar Latin

I confess to Almighty God …

Vulgar Latin

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Confiteor Deo omni potenti,
beat ee Mariae semper Virgini,
beat oh Michaeli Archangelo,
beat oh Joanni Baptistae,
sanctis Apostolis Petro et Paulo,
omnibus Sanctis,
et tibee Pater:
quia peccavi nimis
cogitation ee
verbo,
et operay:
mea culpa,
mea culpa,
mea maxima culpa.
Ideo precor beatam Mariam semper Virginem,
beatum Michaelem Archangelum,
beatum Joannem Baptistam,
sanctos Apostolos Petrum et Paulum,
omnes Sanctos,
et te Pater,
orar ee pro me
ad Dominum Deum Nostrum.*

Of crimes against humanity:
I absolve you.

Of crimes against the person:
I absolve you.

Of crimes against civility:
I absolve you.

Of crimes against rationalism:
I absolve you.

Of crimes against the child:
I absolve you.

Of sexually molesting those young priests:
I absolve you.

Of raping those choir boys:
I absolve you.

Of sexually harassing that 14 year old choir boy:
I absolve you.

Of raping those 7 minors between 1968 and 1997:
I absolve you.

Of raping those 26 children:
I absolve you.

Of sexual abusing those 37 young girls:
I absolve you.

Of molesting those 5 teenage boys:
I absolve you.

Of sexually abusing those 20 boys:
I absolve you.

Of raping and sexually abusing that girl and boy from 1991 until 2008:
I absolve you.

Of raping those minors between 1989 and 1992:
I absolve you.

Of those 40,000 images and films of child pornography:
I absolve you.

Of making your own child pornography:
I absolve you.

Of sexually abusing those 100 Inuit children over 30 years:
I absolve you.

Of sexually abusing those 4 Aboriginal boys between 1984 and 1991:
I absolve you.

Of forcing that 11-year old boy to perform oral sex:
I absolve you.

Of indecently assaulting those 8 boys, aged 10 to 13, over 20 years:
I absolve you.

Of sexually abusing and assaulted those 20 children between 1945 and 1989:
I absolve you.

Of sexually abusing all those children and teenagers from 1950 to 1984:
I absolve you.

Of sexually abusing that 13-year-old girl while in children’s hospital:
I absolve you.

Of sexually abusing that 9 year old on summer-camp:
I absolve you.

Of molesting those 200 deaf boys between 1950 and 1974:
I absolve you.

Of crimes against the weak who were supposed to inherit the Earth:
I absolve you.

Of sexually abusing those 20 disabled people over 16 years:
I absolve you.

Of sexually abusing those 121 mentally handicapped children in care from 1965 to 1998:
I absolve you.

Of sexually abusing that 11-year-old boy from 1994 until 2001:
I absolve you.

Of raping those 7 young boys (11–14 years) between 1992 and 1998:
I absolve you.

Of sexually abusing those 5 boys (8–12 years):
I absolve you.

Of molesting those 12 boys at that orphanage:
I absolve you.

Of molesting those 4 boys, 1 girl and 1 adult male:
I absolve you.

Of allowing that known pedophile to work as a priest:
I absolve you.

Of assisting in the rape of that 12-year-old girl over a six-month period:
I absolve you.

Of denying the existence of your own children:
I absolve you.

Of crimes against decency:
I absolve you.

Of crimes against me, you, your own and everybody else:
I absolve you.

Dominus noster Jesus Christus te absolvat;
et ego auctoritate ipsius te absolvo ab
omni vinculo excommunicationis
et interdicti
in quantum possum
et tu indiges.
Deinde,
ego te absolvo a peccatis tuis
in nomine Patris,
et Filii,
et Spiritus Sancti.
Amen. **

One might even say,

“secundum totus, errare humanum est.” ***

But that’s just a vulgar Latin.

Notes

* I confess to Almighty God,
to Blessed Mary ever Virgin,
to Blessed Michael the Archangel,
to Blessed John the Baptist,
to the Holy Apostles Peter and Paul,
to all the angels and saints,
and to you my brothers and sisters,
that I have sinned exceedingly in thought,
word,
deed.
through my fault,
through my fault,
through my most grievous fault,
and I ask Blessed Mary ever Virgin,
Blessed Michael the Archangel,
Blessed John the Baptist,
the Holy Apostles Peter and Paul,
all the Angels and Saints,
and you my brothers and sisters,
to pray for me
to the Lord our God.

** May our Lord Jesus Christ absolve you;
and by His authority I absolve you
from every bond of excommunication
and interdict,
so far as my power allows
and your needs require.
Thereupon,
I absolve you from your sins
in the name of the Father,
and of the Son,
and of the Holy Ghost.
Amen.

*** After all, to err is human.

Tim Minchin – Pope Song

Further reading

• Cloyne report: Church failed to report all abuse cases link
• Catholic Church sex abuse scandals around the world link
• Looking behind the Catholic sex abuse scandal link
• etc.