Sketch: Secret Weapons Committee

Secret Weapons Committee (WWI)

(establishing shot, perhaps of outer door. door sharpley pulls open. soldier falls through it, object chucked after him. shouts from within, “Get out you nitwit!” switch to inside room. major at desk on raised platform. Corporal with clipboard to side.)
Major: Who’s next Corporal?
Corporal: I’m afraid it’s Henderson again Sah.
Major: Oh God! It’ll be another of his bird-brained schemes that he thinks will turn the war. What in blazes was it last time Corporal?
Corporal: All front-line troops to be issued with doves Sah.
Major: Don’t we give them enough food rations as it is?
Corporal: Erm, exploding doves Sah. Hoped to hit Jerry with an aerial bombardment Sah.
Major: Ah yes. What an idiot. Homing pigeons near bloody well wiped out the entire Royal Sussex Regiment. And the time before that wasn’t much better if I remember correctly.
Corporal: Yes Sah, pelmets Sah.
Major: Yerrs, dashed pelmets.
Corporal: No I think they were more of a Paisley pattern Sah.
Major: Ah yes, that’s right by Jove! And where did he want us to stick em eh eh?
Corporal: In the trenches Sah. Camouflage Sah. To make ‘em look like a tea shop Sah. If the Hun pop in ordering afternoon tea, run em through with a bayonet Sah.
Major: What a bloody stupid idea. Should never have been put into action. He just didn’t think it through did he Corporal?
Corporal: No Sah, didn’t think it through Sah.
Major: I mean, firstly Kraut prefers coffee doesn’t he Corporal?
Corporal: Yes Sah.
Major: And then, where in Hell we were supposed to find three million doilies for Ypres alone, I cannot fathom.
Corporal: Yes sah, I mean no Sah.
Major: Well, we’d better hear what idiotic rouse he has for us this time.
(enter henderson, quick marches in front of major, snaps to attention and salutes)
Major: Well, here we are again Henderson. What have you for us this time?
Henderson: My plan is to issue all Tommies with puppies Sir.
Major: (chuckling) And what type of dog might these be Henderson, a strudel I suppose!
(snorts and guffaws at own joke. aside to Corporal who is not laughing.)
Major: Sounds like poodle, but it’s German.
Corporal: No sah, I mean very funny Sah.
(Corporal forces weak laughter)
Major: Bah, anyway, what the hell for Henderson?
Henderson: As a defence against Fritz, every man would be issued, as standard kit, one puppy, breed golden retriever, colour golden, and harnesses, one, for the strapping of said puppy to the chest Sir. Even Jerry would never run a cute puppy through Sir.
Major: (head in hands) Are you mad man?
Henderson: No sir?
Major: It’s not golden retrievers we need to deflect 7.92mm bullets screaming at us from MG15 nA Bergman machine guns Henderson. Nooo. It’s Schnauzers man, a German dog. Hit them where they’re weakest dammit. And if any cute little German puppies are shot in combat, weeeell, that’ll be a few less of em for us to kill, eh? I’m just thankful we’re not as heartless as those barbaric bastards! Permission granted. (stamps document)
Henderson: Oh thank you Sir (salutes).
______________________________________________________
Secret Weapons Committee (WWII)
(same establishing shot, outer door. door sharpley pulls open. soldier falls through it, object chucked after him. shouts from within, “Get out you goon!” switch to inside room. major at desk on raised platform. Corporal with clipboard to side.)
Major: Who’s next Corporal?
(Corporal looks at clipboard, winces, looks at Major)
Corporal: I’m afraid it’s Hend…
Major: …derson. Oh God!
Corporal: Sorry Sah.
Major: Another hair-brained scheme no doubt. What was it last time Corporal?
Corporal: Commando parrots Sah.
Major: I fear the worst, but go on, remind me.
Corporal: Parrots were supposed to infiltrate German lines Sah.
Major: Why ever for Corporal?
Corporal: Hoped to confuse the enemy Sah. Hoped to capture German radio equipment and broadcast phony orders Sah.
Major: Ah yes. What an idiot. Almost did for us in the Africa Campaign. He should have known parrots are in actual fact supreme military strategists.
Corporal: Yes Sah, strategists Sah.
Major: Well, we’d better hear what stupidity he has for us this time.
(enter henderson, quick marches in front of major, snaps to attention and salutes)
Major: Well, here we are again Henderson. What have you for us this time?
Henderson: My plan is to parachute Basett hounds in behind enemy lines, armed to the teeth with standard issue rifles Sir.
Major: (chuckling) And I suppose, Henderson, that these dogs of yours, these dogs armed to the canines, I suppose they’re looking for a dogfight, eh, eh?
(snorts and guffaws at own joke. aside to Corporal who is not laughing.)
Major: Dogs, canine teeth, looking for a dogfight.
Corporal: No sah, I mean very funny Sah.
(Corporal forces weak laughter)
Major: Bah, anyway, what if they can’t get their chutes open? Have yer thought of that eh, Henderson?
Henderson: If the parachute fails, then the Bassett is perfectly equipped to glide to the battlefield safely by using their ears Sir.
Major: (head in hands) Are you mad man?
Henderson: No sir?
Major: Bassett hounds can’t carry rifles into battle. It’s not  .303 Lee Enfield rifles they want, Noooo, it’s a Sten Mk II machine gun they’ll want between their teeth. Straff the Bosch buggers as their gliding in! Permission granted. (stamps document)
Henderson: Oh thank you Sir (salutes).
______________________________________________________

About JFDerry

Writer. Darwin, science & more. 4 books: Piospheres, Darwin in Scotland, Serial Killers. Current project is THE DISSENT OF MAN. Born near London, raised near Primrose Hill and in Lincolnshire, and studied at the Universities of Bangor, York and Edinburgh for degrees in Biochemistry, Bioelectronics and Biological Computation, and a PhD in African Ecology. Mainly working in British and African universities, but also in Spain, Brussels, Mongolia and Australia, to date, publication history is mostly in academic journals, on aspects of computational biology, pastoralism and on Charles Darwin and evolution. However, also written for several national newspapers, various governments, several major record labels and independent book publishers. Fiction has appeared at the Edinburgh International Book Festival and poetry is at the Human Genre Project. Lives in Edinburgh, with partner and their two daughters.
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3 Responses to Sketch: Secret Weapons Committee

  1. That raised a chuckle on an otherwise stressful Monday morning, thanks.

  2. JFDerry says:

    Damn! Must have accidently left something funny in there. I’ll edit better next time. (Thanks).

  3. quite depressing that some of those concepts are not a million miles from the truth though, http://www.oldmagazinearticles.com/WW1_trick_observation_post_dead_horse_observation_post_pdf

    sprung to mind

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